Why We Must Keep Africa Poor

Disclaimer: Don't take this too seriously, it's a satirical piece meant for reflection and laughs.

Inspired by Bastiat's famous satirical piece, “The Candlemakers' Petition”, which humorously criticizes protectionist policies by suggesting that the sun be banned to protect candle makers, this petition uses the same style to highlight the absurdity of excessive bureaucracy in Africa.

A PETITION

From the Manufacturers of Red Tape, Bureaucratic Forms, and Long Lines, and from Producers of Permits, Licenses, and Official Stamps, and Generally of Everything Connected with Government Authorization.

To the Honourable Members of the African Governmental Institutions.

Dear Esteemed Leaders,

You are truly the guardians of tradition, the upholders of the noble art of bureaucracy. You've shown great commitment to making sure nothing happens too fast or too easily. We respect your dedication to keeping our beloved continent safe from the chaos of progress and efficiency.  We respect your longstanding commitment to perpetuating African poverty!

We, the hardworking makers of official stamps, red tape, long forms, and countless regulations that keep life orderly, have a simple request. Please protect us from the new threat: business-friendly reforms. These reforms, promising to cut red tape and speed up business processes, threaten our way of life.

Imagine a world where entrepreneurs start a business in a day – online, no less – without waiting for our stamps of approval! Or where they have digital property rights on the blockchain, making it impossible for us to demand bribes or hand over the property to the highest bidder. Imagine if efficient private courts could solve disputes in less than 60 days. Imagine if labor laws could actually serve both workers and employers instead of just creating more paperwork and unemployment.

Imagine if businesses had the freedom to set prices without government interference, allowing them to adapt to market demands and thrive. Imagine if residents had the power to hold local leaders accountable through direct democracy, forcing votes on critical issues and recalling officials who failed to deliver.

Imagine if roads, schools, and hospitals were built and managed efficiently through a vibrant private sector, cutting costs and actually delivering quality services. And worst of all, imagine if businesses had to compete to offer better products and services, leading to higher quality, lower prices, and more choices for consumers! The horror!

Imagine if young Africans could learn digital skills online without needing to attend our outdated schools that don't teach 21st century skills. Imagine if local markets could operate freely without constant harassment from tax collectors looking for their “share”.

If we allow these reforms, we risk returning to the Africa of the past, a time when cities like Mombasa, Kilwa, and Timbuktu thrived through free enterprise. We might once again see vibrant, self-reliant communities built on trade, innovation, and local governance. Who would want that? The past should remain in the past, and we must not risk reawakening the spirit of freedom and entrepreneurship that defined precolonial Africa.

It would be utter chaos. The careful process of filling forms, waiting in lines, and paying fees would disappear. Our dedicated workers in the Ministry of Permits and the Office of License Renewal would have nothing to do. What would become of our skilled form checkers and queue organizers?

Think of the consequences. If businesses thrive without our oversight, where will the funds for our committees come from? What about the consultants hired to improve the inefficiencies we maintain? An Africa with fewer rules and less bureaucracy would surely fall into disorder!

We must protect the tradition of overregulation. We propose a new law: any new business proposal should be reviewed not once, but three times—by separate committees, each with the power to reject it over any minor issue. Also, any attempt to reduce paperwork should require a 50-page proposal with ten senior officials' signatures.

By doing this, we ensure that Africa remains a place where only the most persistent and well-connected succeed. This will preserve the natural order and uphold our proud legacy of bureaucracy. We urge you to resist the tempting ideas of efficiency and innovation.

Thank you for your continued service in keeping Africa stable and gloriously complicated.

With great respect,

The United Association of Red Tape Manufacturers and Bureaucratic Excellence.